Monday, December 14, 2015

A Contemporary Climate Change Christmas Story

 (2015, by Robert Barrow, all rights reserved, links okay)
The Flamster family, comprised of Phil, Phyliss and their young children, daughter Phacelia and son Flagon, returned home late in the evening, Christmas Eve, obviously tuckered out from their weekly meeting of concerned individuals determined to make climate change an established religion with tax advantages and other perks for its followers.  The Flamsters were a nuclear family, but refused to be called that because they hated anything involved with the word,  nuclear.

To their amazement, awaiting them on the front porch was a large package, a Christmas gift from Phil's Aunt Floozie.   Flagon, his eyes wide with delight, lifted the container and took it inside, resting it on the dining room table with care.  He and Phacelia commenced ripping the wrapper off, and then removed a lid, revealing an assortment of steaks, pastries and other pleasing edibles intended for the family freezer.

However, as emergency first responders have witnessed all too often every time Christmas comes around, obvious dangers can be ignored by a family too thrilled with the joys of the season to notice.  Indeed, as each member of the Flamster family retired to their bedrooms, stockings hung by the chimney with care, as not a creature stirred in their underwear, nobody paid attention to the plastic bag at the bottom of the gift chest, the bag containing a block of dry ice which kept the shipped contents freezing cold.

What a terrible sight emergency responders encountered the next day, rushing to the Flamster household after Aunt Floozie had been unsuccessful in phoning the family to wish them a merry Christmas.  All four Flamsters were discovered dead in their beds, appearing quite at peace, but dead nevertheless. 

And it didn't take long for police to determine the cause of en entire family's tragic demise.  For right there in the dining room, displayed plain as day in Aunt Floozie's gift box, was a now-evaporated bag of dry ice, and everything fell neatly into place.  Dry ice, otherwise known as frozen carbon dioxide, had melted and its substance spread throughout the house, taking not only the family's lives, but that of the family dog, Barf-ack Obonkers.

Making matters worse, even before the coroner could remove four CO2-riddled bodies, a United Nations van rolled up, its occupants having been somehow alerted about the existence of a  hazardous block of frozen carbon dioxide.  HAZMAT suits were donned and the brave team of UN environmentalists began their thankless work inside the house.

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Yes, dear reader, let this charming fiction (or is it?) Christmas tale serve as a warning!  If both the president AND effete master criminals inhabiting the United Nations are convinced that carbon dioxide is a poison killing us all, you must follow those global trails of environmental fraud  and BELIEVE.  We were born to be lied to and taxed to death, and science can be manipulated sufficiently to convince us of anything that mildly delusional, purely psychotic, inept or corrupt leaders prefer.   In this respect, yes, the (contrived) science is in and the argument (prepared by fascists and frauds looking to steal your money) is over.   (This has been a rogue public service message disguised as a charming Christmas story.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this tale -- um, except family mutt Barf-ack Obonkers didn't make it out.)