Why wait for President Biden's State of the Union address this week when you can get what he might be expected to say right here, right now? It could go something like this:
Good evening, my fellow Americans, members of Congress, too few members of the Supreme Court -- and a special greeting to millions of undocumented aliens, who one day will be given amnesty and allowed to vote for the Democratic Party which made their welcome to the United States possible with the help of clueless American taxpayers who have no choice but to pay the bill. On that note, may I also offer a special thanks to legions of immigration attorneys, almost solidly a Democrat force, whose efforts at slashing and burning established laws for decades to come will assure, like a human roach motel, that those who come across our southern and northern borders without permission will never leave. Similarly, the American taxpayers and their offspring far into the future will support these compassionate and ceaseless efforts by stepping up and continuing to pay their fair share. Where are my socks? Oh, how about that, I think I'm wearing them.
I am pleased to announce that the state of the union is rock-solid. Every American needs only to walk into any grocery store and will find that things are improving significantly, even though prices are high and apparently increasing for the most part. Some food corporations have also indicated they have no intention of lowering prices, and we have been in contact with them to say that may be a good thing for climate change.
My son, Tucker is a good boy and -- oh, oh, gosh darn I meant to say Hunter. Did I really say Tucker? You know, Hunter and I once took a trip to. . .that's when I was vice-president and Barack Obama was. . .well, actually, he never left and still has a home here in Washington. But no, he wasn't on the trip. The Secret Service went, but that was before there was a dog or two who bite the hell out of them. So, we. . .
You know, folks, Haiti just underwent a prison break orchestrated by gang members, and all the prison guards were killed as somewhere around 4,000 prisoners escaped. Chances are pretty good that most of them will find their way to the United States because we have room for everybody as we continue to demonstrate our compassion to the world's poor and hungry and sometimes guilty. Because our own military is lacking a sufficient number of new recruits, we plan to explore taking a good share of these people and offering them an opportunity to get full citizenship by serving in our military. We know from our intelligence agents that these Haitians already know how to use weapons, the sort of firearms that we obviously cannot trust our own United States citizens to keep at home. But in the hands of experienced, desperate people we are certain we can make good American soldiers out of them in no time. A bonus is that some of the Haitians even speak one of our many mandated languages here in America.
Which reminds me of a funny story about freedom of speech. Back in the sixties, some TV people and I flew to, um, oh, somewhere country, and when we met with officials of. . .I can't recall what country, but it. . .well, and we're lucky to have a free press in this country because its reliable members always report about and usually praise our decisions as we attempt to do good things for the American people. Look at my opponent. Mr. Trump doesn't like freedom of speech because he tends to blurt out things without thinking them through, and the press doesn't have a chance to convert his meaning into what they think it should be. I think that in France, right up to today, even their president Mr. Napoleon champions free speech like we do, and I intend to speak with him later this week.
Nevertheless, we also anticipate that home loans may be easier to obtain this year, though there will be few homes on the market because interest rate are monumentally high and nobody can afford to leave and sell their current homes. This may seem like a problem, but as I said to the chairman of the Fed last week, we really need to find. . .a. . .I hear there's a solar eclipse coming. I wonder if it will make my dog bite the Secret Service people? Also, we need to build housing quickly to satisfy millions of undocumented immigrants.
What is that? Do you hear that? It sounded like a bee hive. Well, it's gone now. Jill, did you hear that? So. . .
Anyway, we are also happy to report that job numbers are up appreciably, even though figures were readjusted and things don't look as good as we expected. But what's important is the will of the American people, many of whom individually count as holders of two or three jobs as they try to afford the current economy and pay their bills. With their help, we are on the way to conquering inflation with only troublesome numbers remaining high. Additionally, by making the American people pay for the college loans of students, that will make taxpaying Americans unlikely to afford new cars and that will keep interest rates down or up or something. As you know, if you don't drive you don't add to your carbon hand print. Years ago, my secretaries used carbon paper to make copies of letters and their fingers became smudged, it was quite a mess.
When it comes to education, a large amount of the nation's children are less than proficient in math and science and can barely read or write. However, they embrace social media and the tenets of Chinese communism education without question, assisted by teachers' unions, so at least they are learning something. The public school system, by the way, has never been in better shape, and when I and our Democrat friends in Congress return to office next year we may consider arresting, imprisoning and in some cases executing parents insistent upon home-schooling their children, a crime obviously interfering with states' rights.
We are indeed fortunate that artificial intelligence, manipulated overwhelmingly by computer experts on the political left, is currently deleting or altering American and world history in order to make the past more palatable to an up-and-coming generation of young people who will obey and never question authority, and will never feel it necessary to join the military in defense of our country. But isn't that a small price to pay for compliance to any public and private partnership?
But let's not be fooled. Climate change is the most important problem we face today on the planet. Even as China, Russia, Iran, Serbia, Canada, Switzerland, Peru and North Korea are stockpiling whatever amounts of various energy sources they require in order to turn the United States into toast or dust or both, we Americans are wisely being compassionate toward our planet to the point that we will soon be in terrible jeopardy. But isn't that what America is all about? Do the right thing? Remember: Our country. . .that reminds me of a story when I was vice-president and. . .and in our country we embrace solar panels and wind turbines for energy. Yes, they are toxic landfill disasters as they wear out, and are made in China, but that makes us more independent as Americans seeking our destiny. We may end up sweltering in the summer or freezing to death in the winter, at least some of us, but America has always been about sacrifice. Did I ever tell you about -- which way should I turn when we finish here? -- did I ever?
Oh, we have guests in the gallery tonight, and I would like to introduce them. First, as I look out over the audience assembled here this evening, I see. . .faculty members from. . .the Confucius Institute? No, wait, that can't be right. Who is that? Where am I?
Oh, oh, okay, let's start. Good evening my fellow Americans, members of Congress, the. . .I'm here this evening to give you the state of the union. The union couldn't be in better shape than it is right now, take it from me, and I will tell you. . .wha? Oh, I guess we are finished, thank you and goodnight. Jill? Jill? Is that you -- or are you my sister?
