It was a year-old
copy
of a magazine entitled, The International Celebrity Dong, and the title didn't seem unusual, since
"dong" is a familiar word thereabouts. Anyway, the December, 2013 issue was written
in some Asian language which I couldn't understand, aside from the English
title included at the top.
Thumbing through
its pages while walking down the street, I became particularly frustrated
because I couldn't read a word of an article apparently concerning North
Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un -- truly the man of the day here in the USA.
However, good
luck lurked just ahead! Rounding a
corner, to my delight, I saw local dumpster-diver, Dusty,
sitting on the curb behind a Korean restaurant, finishing off the meat
on a leg bone of what probably used to be somebody's pet dog.
"Hey Dusty,
" I shouted, waving The International
Celebrity Dong high in the air,
"you know a lot about Korean food -- can you possibly interpret this
article for me?" Dusty stood and
eagerly grabbed the publication out of my hands with his dog dressing-slathered
meat hooks. Ugh, now I hoped he wouldn't give it back.
"Oh yeah,
heck yeah," he responded. "It
looks like some reporter interviewed Kim Jong-un, or at least somebody who
claims to be the turd. Not totally sure
about that, though the picture looks a lot like him. You can never trust these celebrity
rags," Dusty warned. "Tell you
what, give me a couple days and I'll put it into English for you."
_____
True to his
word, two days later Dusty gave me a handwritten version of his interpretation
of the magazine's year-old alleged interview with the North Korean dictator,
and it reads as follows, as recorded originally by a reporter also named Kim
something or another:
_____
Thank you so
much for allowing this meeting today, sir.
Let me ask you right away, what is a typical day for you?
There is much to
be done. I begin with a breakfast of non-peasant food, high in nutrition and
often containing drops of blood from volunteers among my people. You might call that my daily iron supplement. It gives me energy to meet the challenges.
The international
impression, particularly in the West, that North Korea is an isolated entity,
disconnected from the modern world, surely can't serve you well.
On the contrary,
by avoiding the trappings and moral degeneracy of the West, our people conduct
an existence of bliss and self-sufficiency, creating a society so cohesive that
I've witnessed with my own eyes citizens who allow themselves to be killed and
stuffed in order to become furniture for my palace. What other nation on Earth can look upon its
people with such pride for this kind of sacrifice?
But are reports
of your people starving in the fields purely imagination?
I am not aware
of legitimate documentation about this.
Many of our workers are more than happy to return excessive food to our
military and government personnel. As
you can see, I myself am hardly starving, and this is because my people who
love me so much are pleased to honor me with extra provisions of which they
have no need.
Then you are not
concerned in any way about, say, the way the Americans consider you dangerous
and off course?
I will tell you
here and now, the day will come when the Americans will understand exactly what
I am about and who I am, and they will release a movie about me, all about me
and their love for me and my country. I
concede, though, that it may take time for them to fully appreciate my
sacrifice. You must realize, there are
many people from the international community who wish very much to take me out.
Excuse me? Take you out?
Yes, they wish
to take me to the finest restaurants in their own nations. Unfortunately, their choice of cuisine does
not appeal to me, as my food requirements differ significantly from theirs.
In what way?
In my palace,
dog and rat are preferable, cooked and prepared in various pleasing
combinations. We employ special chefs of
the people for this important function.
Please excuse
me, sir, but I'm rather shaken by this information. I cannot imagine a diet of such things.
In my country,
we are extremely industrious about such matters. Consider my late and departed father and
supreme leader. He subsisted most of his
life on a strict diet of uncooked rat intestines, dog vomit, snake heads,
tapeworms and special elixir juices consisting of chicken urine and sheep
brains. Some prefer to believe these
substances made my father insane, but he was not insane, just very, very
bright, and certainly logical enough to lead the whole world.
Do you partake
of such things yourself?
Not strictly,
no. I generally prefer to eat dogs,
cooked very thoroughly. In fact, when I
instructed that my bad uncle be killed because he was immoral, promiscuous,
consistently smelled like a filthy swamp and could not even dance well enough
to avoid embarrassing me in public, I performed his execution with a pack of
wild dogs in the name of my people. The
dog pack tore him from limb to limb, consumed much of his flesh and then, after
a couple of days, I instructed the beasts themselves to be killed, and then my
wife and I ate the very dogs which performed this act of social justice. Our subsequent feast was merely an act of
compassion.
Truly, I cannot
conceive of eating a dog.
Oh, but you must
try it one day. For my wife and I, the
effect of swallowing chunks of dog meat rivals any good aphrodisiac. Doing this, in fact, provides every bit as
much enjoyment as those days when I wear women's undergarments while strolling
through the palace or throughout the grounds where my people happily
labor. Not one of them harbors even a
hint that I'm wearing female attire, many sizes too small.
Do you and your
wife often go away on vacation?
We go away
several times a year, usually preferring to wallow with domestic swine in
troughs of pig slop in some distant town.
It is within such an environment where we feel the most comfortable and
welcome.
You have a
special relationship with an American basketball athlete?
Yes. Dennis is a friend and he advises me that
someday American theaters will show a movie about me. I am so excited and look forward to seeing
it. I hope to arrange things so every
person in my country can watch it, too, because the experience of seeing me on
giant movie screens all over the globe will impress the world and cause my
people to embrace their supreme leader all the more.
Should such a
motion picture ever be made, could you suggest a title?
Perhaps. My not-insane father and me, we much enjoyed
the James Bond films, so maybe they could call it Kimfinger. That is not only a good movie title, it is
also what I lovingly give my people every day.
I must go now. Thank you for the
interview. Would you care for a little
dog before you leave?
Thank you, but
my plane leaves soon. Thank you for your
time and hospitality.
You are
welcome. Be watching for the great movie
about my life. I know it will be
everything I deserve as supreme leader.
___________________________
___________________________
The Age-Old
Communication Barrier: What a
dilemma. One hardly anticipates conflict between North Korean communists and
Hollywood socialists. Can't everybody
just get along? Apparently not. Feathered birds ain't flocking together here,
North Koreans
now claim they had nothing to do with hacking SONY and, like O.J. Simpson, they offer to help
find the real "killer."
Personally, I think the twin culprit here might be the Chinese, who have
the money, the means and the will to cyber-smack the USA.
Prediction: As you read this, no matter the fate of
"The Interview," folks are likely out there stealing and grabbing
movie posters and other promotional material as future collectors' items worth
far more than any such material might have been before the SONY incident.
Fear and
loathing in NY City: Strange how two cops are assassinated -- the
official words -- in the Big Apple, and New York's socialist-rooted
mayor can't seem to be first on the podium with words of regret. No wonder.
His recent race-baiting speeches seem to center basically around some
nebulous fear that his son's afro haircut and race provide an instant magnet
for police brutality.. Beware the
police, New Yorkers have to do something about the cops. Now look, just look. Suddenly, community organizers by the pint
are coming forward and making their rant about cop semi-love instead of hands up, don't shoot. Is all of that semi-love honest, or is there
concern that law enforcement will crack down even more to assure survival in
the streets? The mayor's policies? Preserve, protect and die for your
trouble? It's no wonder policemen and
firemen turned their backs on a mayor whose words helped to bring this very day
of tragedy to pass. Who wants to be a
cop, when the president, his attorney general and a gaggle of leftists playing
hope-and-change in America fail either to adequately support or downright
condemn their efforts? As for NY City's
mayor, his attitude might be more than a little complicit in the city's cop
murders, and probably not something which should play well for his re-election
platform. Nor did it take a genius to
realize, or a psychic to predict, that this disaster was inevitable. This is what happens when communists feel
justified and comfortable in destroying America, after a population of morons
elects them and useful idiots hit the streets.
