It was a year-old copy of a magazine entitled, The International Celebrity Dong, and the title didn't seem unusual, since "dong" is a familiar word thereabouts. Anyway, the December, 2013 issue was written in some Asian language which I couldn't understand, aside from the English title included at the top.
Thumbing through its pages while walking down the street, I became particularly frustrated because I couldn't read a word of an article apparently concerning North Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un -- truly the man of the day here in the USA.
However, good luck lurked just ahead! Rounding a corner, to my delight, I saw local dumpster-diver, Dusty, sitting on the curb behind a Korean restaurant, finishing off the meat on a leg bone of what probably used to be somebody's pet dog.
"Hey Dusty, " I shouted, waving The International Celebrity Dong high in the air, "you know a lot about Korean food -- can you possibly interpret this article for me?" Dusty stood and eagerly grabbed the publication out of my hands with his dog dressing-slathered meat hooks. Ugh, now I hoped he wouldn't give it back.
"Oh yeah, heck yeah," he responded. "It looks like some reporter interviewed Kim Jong-un, or at least somebody who claims to be the turd. Not totally sure about that, though the picture looks a lot like him. You can never trust these celebrity rags," Dusty warned. "Tell you what, give me a couple days and I'll put it into English for you."
True to his word, two days later Dusty gave me a handwritten version of his interpretation of the magazine's year-old alleged interview with the North Korean dictator, and it reads as follows, as recorded originally by a reporter also named Kim something or another:
Thank you so much for allowing this meeting today, sir. Let me ask you right away, what is a typical day for you?
There is much to be done. I begin with a breakfast of non-peasant food, high in nutrition and often containing drops of blood from volunteers among my people. You might call that my daily iron supplement. It gives me energy to meet the challenges.
The international impression, particularly in the West, that North Korea is an isolated entity, disconnected from the modern world, surely can't serve you well.
On the contrary, by avoiding the trappings and moral degeneracy of the West, our people conduct an existence of bliss and self-sufficiency, creating a society so cohesive that I've witnessed with my own eyes citizens who allow themselves to be killed and stuffed in order to become furniture for my palace. What other nation on Earth can look upon its people with such pride for this kind of sacrifice?
But are reports of your people starving in the fields purely imagination?
I am not aware of legitimate documentation about this. Many of our workers are more than happy to return excessive food to our military and government personnel. As you can see, I myself am hardly starving, and this is because my people who love me so much are pleased to honor me with extra provisions of which they have no need.
Then you are not concerned in any way about, say, the way the Americans consider you dangerous and off course?
I will tell you here and now, the day will come when the Americans will understand exactly what I am about and who I am, and they will release a movie about me, all about me and their love for me and my country. I concede, though, that it may take time for them to fully appreciate my sacrifice. You must realize, there are many people from the international community who wish very much to take me out.
Excuse me? Take you out?
Yes, they wish to take me to the finest restaurants in their own nations. Unfortunately, their choice of cuisine does not appeal to me, as my food requirements differ significantly from theirs.
In what way?
In my palace, dog and rat are preferable, cooked and prepared in various pleasing combinations. We employ special chefs of the people for this important function.
Please excuse me, sir, but I'm rather shaken by this information. I cannot imagine a diet of such things.
In my country, we are extremely industrious about such matters. Consider my late and departed father and supreme leader. He subsisted most of his life on a strict diet of uncooked rat intestines, dog vomit, snake heads, tapeworms and special elixir juices consisting of chicken urine and sheep brains. Some prefer to believe these substances made my father insane, but he was not insane, just very, very bright, and certainly logical enough to lead the whole world.
Do you partake of such things yourself?
Not strictly, no. I generally prefer to eat dogs, cooked very thoroughly. In fact, when I instructed that my bad uncle be killed because he was immoral, promiscuous, consistently smelled like a filthy swamp and could not even dance well enough to avoid embarrassing me in public, I performed his execution with a pack of wild dogs in the name of my people. The dog pack tore him from limb to limb, consumed much of his flesh and then, after a couple of days, I instructed the beasts themselves to be killed, and then my wife and I ate the very dogs which performed this act of social justice. Our subsequent feast was merely an act of compassion.
Truly, I cannot conceive of eating a dog.
Oh, but you must try it one day. For my wife and I, the effect of swallowing chunks of dog meat rivals any good aphrodisiac. Doing this, in fact, provides every bit as much enjoyment as those days when I wear women's undergarments while strolling through the palace or throughout the grounds where my people happily labor. Not one of them harbors even a hint that I'm wearing female attire, many sizes too small.
Do you and your wife often go away on vacation?
We go away several times a year, usually preferring to wallow with domestic swine in troughs of pig slop in some distant town. It is within such an environment where we feel the most comfortable and welcome.
You have a special relationship with an American basketball athlete?
Yes. Dennis is a friend and he advises me that someday American theaters will show a movie about me. I am so excited and look forward to seeing it. I hope to arrange things so every person in my country can watch it, too, because the experience of seeing me on giant movie screens all over the globe will impress the world and cause my people to embrace their supreme leader all the more.
Should such a motion picture ever be made, could you suggest a title?
Perhaps. My not-insane father and me, we much enjoyed the James Bond films, so maybe they could call it Kimfinger. That is not only a good movie title, it is also what I lovingly give my people every day. I must go now. Thank you for the interview. Would you care for a little dog before you leave?
Thank you, but my plane leaves soon. Thank you for your time and hospitality.
You are welcome. Be watching for the great movie about my life. I know it will be everything I deserve as supreme leader.
The Age-Old Communication Barrier: What a dilemma. One hardly anticipates conflict between North Korean communists and Hollywood socialists. Can't everybody just get along? Apparently not. Feathered birds ain't flocking together here,
North Koreans now claim they had nothing to do with hacking SONY and, like O.J. Simpson, they offer to help find the real "killer." Personally, I think the twin culprit here might be the Chinese, who have the money, the means and the will to cyber-smack the USA.
Prediction: As you read this, no matter the fate of "The Interview," folks are likely out there stealing and grabbing movie posters and other promotional material as future collectors' items worth far more than any such material might have been before the SONY incident.
Fear and loathing in NY City: Strange how two cops are assassinated -- the official words -- in the Big Apple, and New York's socialist-rooted mayor can't seem to be first on the podium with words of regret. No wonder. His recent race-baiting speeches seem to center basically around some nebulous fear that his son's afro haircut and race provide an instant magnet for police brutality.. Beware the police, New Yorkers have to do something about the cops. Now look, just look. Suddenly, community organizers by the pint are coming forward and making their rant about cop semi-love instead of hands up, don't shoot. Is all of that semi-love honest, or is there concern that law enforcement will crack down even more to assure survival in the streets? The mayor's policies? Preserve, protect and die for your trouble? It's no wonder policemen and firemen turned their backs on a mayor whose words helped to bring this very day of tragedy to pass. Who wants to be a cop, when the president, his attorney general and a gaggle of leftists playing hope-and-change in America fail either to adequately support or downright condemn their efforts? As for NY City's mayor, his attitude might be more than a little complicit in the city's cop murders, and probably not something which should play well for his re-election platform. Nor did it take a genius to realize, or a psychic to predict, that this disaster was inevitable. This is what happens when communists feel justified and comfortable in destroying America, after a population of morons elects them and useful idiots hit the streets.