What's for dinner? Funny you should ask. In the news, it seems that archaeologists made a shocking discovery: Some of our ancient ancestors actually grabbed and ate toddlers when searching for a quick and apparently satisfying meal. The unearthing of infant bones with tooth marks and other evidence supports the theory that little kids were as good as chip 'n dip to either famished or casually snacking adults. As I used to write in these blog entries from time to time, I know what we are -- and these findings go a long way to bolster my beliefs, no matter how crazy they seem.
After all, thousands of years ago there were no McDonalds or snack shacks to take up the snack slack, so a primitive had no choice but to get a fast food meal through natural selection. If science is correct here, and the evidence does include specific chewed bones in places where discarded meal bones would be obvious, a dreadful lot of toddlers didn't have an opportunity to toddle for very long.
When society sits us down and warns about predators, the lessons need to include predation upon those who dare toddle, because what represents human history prevails far in excess of sexual abuse, a fact we now may assume.
Had human toddler meals remained current to modern times, just imagine the who's who of potentially devoured children: Hitler, Mussolini, Goebbels, Goering, Mao, Stalin, Lenin, Putin, Xi Xi, the Clintons, Obama, Kim, members of every boy band, rap and hip-hop group in the world, plus the entire Biden family. Wouldn't society be somehow refreshing by now?
This archaeological finding may also offer a meeting point for both the pro and anti-abortion folk, who may indeed concur that we now know more about our roots, and as lovers of historical precedent a happy medium may lie in delivering babies, allowing them to grow just to the point where they start to walk and then . . .bam! Crunch crunch, burp burp. Oh Jonathan Swift, how prophetic your child-eating comments were, although you were thousands of years too late.
Which is to say, when grandma pinches your toddler's chin and says, "You're so cute I could just eat you up!" she may be reaching back to some post-primordial time or to her own basic human roots.. You might want to watch grandma, just in case she attempts to follow through with her (God-given?) legacy.
