Looks more and more as though alleged British computer hacker Gary McKinnon will be singing, "Coming to America" in a solo performance (Has the Queen knighted him yet? Sir Hax-A-Lot would sound cool). The young man who proved single-handedly that United States government computer security still sucks may already be on our shores when I post this entry. I'm still kinda ambivalent and kinda not about this mess, but maybe if I can break into multiple personalities or something for a few minutes I can manage a little conversation with myself, though directed toward others who aren't likely to read it.
TO MY GOV: At the end of the day, I hold out some hope that the benevolent part of us will let McKinnon off with a stern warning. What example would be set with a stiff prison sentence? Would imprisonment point the finger away from our own security incompetence, or give government attorneys some sort of testosterone rush? Wouldn't it be infinitely more constructive to jail U.S. leaders intent upon sharing U.S. weapons technology with China, Russia and our other, um, caring international "friends?" Instead, forget McKinnon -- maybe shouldn't our military drones go bomb the snot out of Italy and make 'em return Amanda Knox, who just went to prison based upon the judgment of jurors equivalent to the sort who would storm Frankenstein's castle with torches and pitchforks simply because "they ain't our kind?"
TO MR. MCKINNON: In the courtroom, please, for starters -- don't cry like a baby. Generally, that only works over here, especially in the media, if you actually ARE a baby -- or a professional athlete or congressman caught cheating on a spouse. Be pleasant, quiet, kind and courteous, and wear a facial expression that exudes confidence with just a touch of smugness -- the variety which silently announces to one and all that you're at least as smart as any computer geek in Homeland Security. At least.
TO MY GOV: Have you guys seen all the hate blogging going on in England over this? Wow, I never realized so many Brits could despise the U.S. This affair will surely not help U.S. radio talk show host and beloved (!) national treasure Michael Savage overcome his "banned in Britain" status.
TO MR. MCKINNON: Whatever happens, English dude, here's some great news -- you just know that some schlockmeister producer out there will dramatize your life story and techno-escapades in a movie. True, you're no Charlie Manson, but my gov certainly is entertaining the impression that you killed half the country. No fooling, by the time Hollywood finishes with you, movie audiences everywhere will forget the name, Jason, and Twilight will again be known only as something occurring at the end of a sunshine-filled day. Whether you spend eight days or 80 years in prison, a fat paycheck for the story of your life as hacker extraordinaire will be waiting for you like a faithful jailhouse bride when you get out -- that is, assuming authorized lethal injection isn't in your future, but I suppose even that could happen under the right circumstances in court. Well, whatever, just remember that my government can kill you, but it isn't allowed to torture first, so you've already cracked a lucky break there.
TO MY GOV: Pssst -- Hey, don't announce this publicly because, as you know, we don't t-o-r-t-u-r-e, but I think maybe you need to water-board this guy because it will be great fodder for the screenplay. And once the official case hits the courtroom, make sure your lawyers look darned official in dark suits -- and shine those shoes! Look the part -- remember, we're talking Hollywood here, and you want to project a properly debonair image and political stance to be recreated for the eventual motion picture.
TO MR. MCKINNON: You might get out of legal trouble altogether, if you can manage to bring along those folks associated with that East Anglia University "Climategate" thing. Those people are looking so guilty now that, by comparison, any hacking you've accomplished looks as dangerous as a game of solitaire. Bonus points if you can make the international thugs who populate the United Nations look any phonier they are, now that "global warming" has succumbed to the ice cube tray.
TO MY GOV: Oh right, what about that Climategate issue? Just when will Al Gore be sued in Federal and international courts for alleged environmental misinformation based upon lousy science, non-science and stiffness of oral communication?
TO MR MCKINNON: Finally, bring along the best attorney you can find, because while my government attempts to pound you to shreds for hacking -- deservedly, yes -- a little cobweb will be hanging above every head in the courtroom. Some folks will spend a lot of time trying to brush that web off their faces as it slowly descends, but it won't go away and it won't lose its annoyance factor. Where is the spider that spun this web? should be the question. Yes, something unknown should dominate that courtroom, and Gary McKinnon's own words of the past have implicated this mystery monster called the UFO. If ever there was a time for UFO disclosure, this is it, and if by some slim chance we find proof of a government cover-up, then let the legal fireworks begin. But chances are high that the government will find a way to avoiding addressing the UFO issue at all because it's the hacking, not the look-what-I-found part, at issue here. All foul things considered, the U.S. badly needs to make an example of you as both a warning to the legitimately lethal global hackers whom they'll never be able to touch, and to make us forget that computer technology is, at best, a complex and expensive game destined at all times to be devastated by the best player. Yes, you won a round, but some folks don't take kindly to having their marbles taken away. We beg for the best computer wizards and then condemn them when they demonstrate their talents to the max. Sucks to be you. You fill government hearts with fear, truly a danger because you have the skills to break through the extreme fantasy of technological security cherished almost as a religion by governments and corporations everywhere
TO MY GOV: Remember -- you wanted to bring McKinnon to our shores. Be careful what you fish for. Oh -- one more thing: Since you're ready to tear McKinnon apart like a pack of wild dogs, how about likewise pursuing the UFOs allegedly hacking our computerized missile systems, per Mr. Hastings, Capt. Salas, Lt. Col. Halt and others? I can understand your displeasure regarding a single human hacker screwing up NASA and defense files, but where's the outrage over mysterious bright objects showing up on radar and either disabling or reprogramming nuclear -- yes, nuclear -- missiles at supposedly secure Air Force bases? Will that issue be on the public agenda simultaneously with the McKinnon affair? Want to talk about priorities? Surely, this matter of obviously highly advanced hackers is a shade more important and urgent to national security than some British guy who currently trembles in his shoes and, we suspect, would sooner turn into an ocelot than ever tap into a government Web site again.