Americans, get out your wallets. The silver collection plate wrought in Rome is poised to smack us in the head. More on that shortly, but first. . .
Breaking Broken News: "The Plane! The Plane!" Once the energized words announced energetically every week on TV's original "Fantasy Island" by (the tragically late) actor Herve' Villechaize, these words resurfaced in my mind when President Trump was offered a very pricey airplane by the government of Qatar. Unfortunately, immense legal -- constitutional -- questions may scuttle Trump's desire to accept this classic gift as a new Air Force One, raising objections from both Republicans and Democrats.
Personal note to the government of Qatar: Um, you don't know me, but I happen to be as American as Donald Trump, and I CAN accept gifts. I wouldn't dream of asking you for an aircraft. However, I would happily accept, say, a solid gold toilet, something cast off and no longer wanted for the palace? Hey, you don't even need to clean it first, just pack it up and FedEx it (at your expense, of course, thank you) to me. destination New York, USA. You won't actually need a shipping address, as I've every confidence that my own government's FBI will contact me directly, with or without the toilet in hand, so to speak. They always have questions about these things, as I'm sure you know. Oh, oh, by the way -- if I end up with some kind of gift tax in the USA, would you kindly pay that? Thank you so much. Sincerely, your American friend Robert, perfectly willing to whore out my integrity for a solid gold toilet. (Just one more thing: PLEASE do not have this treasure delivered by members of Hamas, whom you apparently know intimately. To be honest, I wouldn't know how much to tip them, for fear of tempting beheading territory, if you know what I mean.)
Now, on to today's crime watch issue:
Following a couple of days deliberating something or another by a gang of cardinals, "we" have a winner, to be known as Pope Leo XIV.
Of course, we outsiders were unable to gain access to the conclave, but I suspect it all boiled down to something like this: "Hey, someday Trump will be gone and Democrats will return to power, so who's our best choice to assure a huge ongoing flow of open or covert government cash in the future?" asked many in unison.
As the cardinals returned to their senses following uninspired votes eliciting black smoke, they suddenly realized the perfect choice was sitting among them and his name was Robert something.
"There is no other choice," perhaps offered one member. "Not only does this one hail from Chicago, where monies of all nature have always been easy to obtain one way or another, but his American roots will guarantee government contacts whose powers of funding all manner of charities with American tax dollars, whether they like it or not, are immense! Remember, friends, Congress holds numerous Catholic congressional members, and they will wish to assure their eternal salvation by procuring funds for Church affiliates!"
The Pope, presumed middle-man between humans and God, a representative closer to thee and nearer to thy American money by default. It will be a short hop from the Vatican, to the USA, to Chicago, to D.C. Why plunder Vatican gold for the world's masses when America's Catholics in charge politically are ever so understanding, compassionate and charitable with other people's money? After all, even great American colleges and universities learned long ago to leave their vast, growing endowments untouched as students, their families and taxpayers were forced by legislation to pay the tab.
And so it may have been as most, concerned as much for the bottom line as for the suffering of Jesus himself, voted for the loved and respected Robert from the streets of Chicago, and he changed his costume and his name and transformed into a butterfly image with a respectable alias, and Robert would forever carry the a.k.a. of Pope Leo XIV. As it had been for centuries, the ancient puppet strings were back in play, but with a profound difference: This time, the far-reaching hands of The Church would lurk closer to the United States than ever before, and something as seemingly insignificant as a change in American political leadership was all the Church puppeteers needed. Indeed, patience will be a virtue, as surely as a chimney can be rigged to release puffs of virgin white smoke.
Hail a new pope, hail the Faithful, hail the Fantasy, hail Caesar, hail regalia, hail forced and deceptive charity from American taxpayers, and hail the non-stop influx of illegal immigrants continuing to kill off Western Europe with papal approval, the same papal approval impressed with Biden's illegal alien invasion of the United States.
Oh, what the hell. May as well hail Satan, too, as long as we're hailing everybody else. Playing favorites is just so risky.
